Resolving Marriage Conflict

I’ve written a few articles about my marriage to my wife Heidi. What I hope to accomplish here is sharing how we make our marriage work, even with our different personalities, imperfections, and plenty of mistakes being made from both of us. By the end, you will see what works for us both and what I personally do to help ensure that our marriage works from a male perspective.

Why be married?

In order to resolve any conflict, I think it is essential to understand the exact reason for wanting to resolve the conflict. If you are having an argument with someone, it’s very difficult to come to an understanding without first knowing what you both are trying to achieve and then finding some middle ground that benefits both parties. It is the same with marriage. Without having a reason to be married for both partners, it will be very tricky to make anything work, let alone resolve conflict.

I remember many years ago my wife and I at Home Depot trying to load some dry wall into a truck we were using. We had no predefined plan of how we were going to do it. So when it came time to start putting the drywall in the truck, we both started doing what we thought should be done and what happened was a sort of tug of war between us trying to lift the dry wall and place it in the truck. This led to a frustrating situation and an old man stopping by to ask us if he could help. I felt so embarassed and I’m sure Heidi did as well.

My reason for being married is very simple. I want to leave behind a lasting legacy to a family that is greater than what I received as a child. I also want to share the experience with life with someone else. Let’s face it, going through life alone is no fun! Finally, I have a hope that Heidi and I’s marriage and family will continue even after this life and that the both of us can continue to progress when we pass on. I think Heidi’s reasons are very similar. She is more heavy on the spiritual side of things and I’m more heavy on the leaving a legacy side of things, and that is a unique difference to us, which I will discuss later.

Now that we have a common ground baseline established, we can use this as the focus for any conflict. Think of this common ground as the compass or the set of rules/guidelines that govern the marriage. I must reiterate – it is essential to have a common reason for being married between two people. If there is no common reason, or the common reason has been lost, then all efforts must be put into establishing a mutually agreed on marriage purpose – or decide that there is no purpose and separate. The steps for agreeing on a marriage purpose between two partners is beyond the scope of what I am discussing here, however, given enough feedback, I will write about it in a future article.

Sources of conflict

If you are in a relationship or marriage, think about what causes conflict between you and your partner. I’ll make a list of what I believe are common conflicts and perhaps you can add to it with some of your own.

• How to save/invest/spend money.
• Faithfulness/Affairs.
• Habits found to be irritating.
• Lack of interest in children.
• Time needed to raise children.
• Alcohol/drug abuse.
• Pornography (TV, Internet, Strip Clubs, etc…).
• Attraction to others outside the marriage.
• Unclear expectations not being met.
• Clear expectations not being met.
• In-laws or other family members.
• Religious beliefs.
• Physical needs not being met.

Some of these are slightly related. But the general idea here is that I thought of this list in just a few minutes. I’m sure I could come up with hundreds of ways conflict can be introduced into a marriage. We’ll now try and understand these conflicts with me sharing examples from my own marriage of why the conflicts occur. After this, I’ll talk about what I think is the single most important action to take when any conflict occurs.

In the above image, think of one circle as yours and the other as your significant other/spouse’s. Then see the yellow area where they intersect. This is the common ground that you both must absolutely agree on. Both circles do not intersect completely. This means you don’t need to agree on everything. But it does mean you have to have common ground. Here’s some examples of situations that can cause both your circles to not intersect at all.

Money

Generally one partner wants to spend while the other wants to save. If there is no compromise here, there will be conflict. Resolution? Find instances where both partners can get their way. If you like to save, agree that you will save for a few months. Then take half of those savings and let the other partner buy something extravagant. If you’re the spender, work out a situation where you can spend, but only if you’ve saved a certain amount of money.

Faithfulness

Heidi and I have a great marriage. This isn’t to brag or boast. But it is to say that even in a great marriage, there are times where I will see or meet another person where I am very intrigued or have a moment of interest. Those of you in relationships or already married I’m sure can attest to this. Conflict can arise if one partner does not feel comfortable with the other talking or being with the opposite sex or especially if one partner has ‘cheated’ on the other.

Resolution? There are two scenarios here: 1. A partner feels uncomfortable and unsure of the other around the opposite sex and 2. A partner knows the other has cheated and is skeptical of their fidelity. In either case, a mutual agreement of trust must be reached between the two. Some rules may even need to be agreed upon by both, like going to bed together every night.

Expectations not being met

As a husband in my marriage, I want to make a difference in my own life, my family’s life, and to the world. I’m very career/business driven and financial abundance is something I strive for. Some of my wife’s top priorities are raising our kids, and having a good family life full of positive memories. Because we don’t share the same top priorities in our life, does that mean we aren’t compatible? Absolutely not!

Resolution? My wife is interested in our family, children, and making memories together. These matter to me as well, of course. So to make these a priority, I make sure to eat dinner with the family, and help read to our daughter Ellie at night, for example. On her end, she’s very supportive of me. About a month ago, she let me leave on a Friday evening to attend a technology conference with many prominent people in technology, business, and politics. We both support each other’s top needs.

Other conflicts

My wife and I don’t have a perfect marriage. We have disagreements and challenges. We’ve both made mistakes. I know for myself I’ve committed some unfortunate mistakes in the past. But I’m honest with my wife about it. We talk and find common ground. I give a little, she gives a little. I take a little, she takes a little. But neither of us goes to any extreme.

What is wonderful again is that Heidi supports my top needs and I support hers. Our common ground is that we will both support each other’s top needs and as long as we do this, the common ground is being satisfied and we then are able to do the activities in each of our circles that do not intersect without any problem. It is all made possible through making sure the common ground is satisfied.

The single most important action

The single most important action each partner can take is to seek the common ground. If you want something and are having a conflict about it with your significant other, then go to the common ground. Perhaps what you want to do is not part of that common ground yet and will need to be integrated. Maybe only part of what you want to do can be integrated – and you must be willing to accept that. Maybe you have to give something up to get what you want. The point is, to seek the common ground as a team.

Let’s reiterate this again. Seek the common ground as a team. With the same passion you go after your own interests, seek to support your partner’s interests as well. Agree as a team on what the common ground is and then stick to it – don’t try and cut corners or move past the common ground. Exceptions can be made of course. But they should be the exception and not the rule.

Conclusion

I’ve shared about conflict and some examples in my marriage and what my wife and I do to handle the conflict. There is always going to be conflict. If you can agree as a team on a common ground, then every conflict can be handled – because you can compare the conflict to the common ground and see where it fits. And the common ground is what makes the decision – neither partner. That is what is so wonderful about being in a relationship where you work toward something greater than each person :)