Why My Wife Married Me Even Though I Was Not Her Type

Flash back many years ago to the year 1999. I recently returned from a two year church mission serving in Ireland. Just a couple years before that I finished high school. I remember the year 1999 and the person I was back then. I remember vividly coming to Utah and being excited to work doing data entry for $7.00 an hour for a library services company. I remember that I typically wore baggy shorts and sweatshirts. I remember still being completely shy and quite unsure of myself.

A fiasco

In fact, at the company I used to work for we had these small ‘packet’ slips of paper. They were used to track the amount of work we had done. They were probably 4 inches by 3 inches big. Before I started going out with my wife, there was another girl I liked, Lisa. She sat next to me at work. But any time I thought about asking her out, I tensed up with gut-wrenching fright. That described my confidence to a tee.

The closest I got to asking her out was taking one of our ‘packet’ slips and writing down my phone number asking her if she wanted to do something. I remember placing the slip by her desk before I left one day (she had gotten up for something and wasn’t there). As I did this, I bolted like a greyhound for the door to take the bus home. My heart pounded. What had I just done?

In addition to fiasco’s like that, I consistently degraded myself. I verbally asserted out loud, especially with other people around how dumb I was, or how stupid I had been, or how silly I was, or how poor I was. My vocabulary was a mix of put downs and slams on myself. I’m not sure to this day why I was like that. Perhaps I never gained confidence at a young age. Whatever the reason was, my wife was soon to be introduced to me and looking back, what was she thinking? :)

Meeting my wife

Oh, about the girl Lisa. She did call me and asked me if I wanted to come with her and a group of friends to a pageant (it’s like a play, depicting a historical event). Self sabotage was one of my fortes, so I told her that I had to do something else (which I don’t remember now), but was most certainly a lie to get out of having to go out with her. Go figure – why would a guy ask a girl out and then do all he could to turn her down when she did ask. I’ll explain this mystery later. :)

I remember seeing a picture on the library data entry company’s wall. It was of a young girl with long flowing blonde hair (big plus). She was 19 at the time, I was 21. I thought, “Wow that girl is cute. What would it be like to meet her?” At the time, the idea was so far fetched that it was akin to me winning the lottery. Still, she stood out to me and I remember actually seeing her and listening to her talk for the first time. She had a soft voice and was very compassionate to those around her. Those were qualities I really admired and so I had a link in my mind of this very pretty girl who was kind to everyone. For me, it was everything I wanted.

But of course I didn’t talk to her. I kind of just wished in my mind that somehow we would end up going out on a date. Fortunately for me, a mini miracle occurred. You see, she was assigned to be my team leader at work. I’m not sure what forces were at work to make this happen, but it happened. My heart skipped a beat. This was the first time I was going to talk to her. My mind raced. I remember being extremely nervous the first day I was to come into work while being on her team. Her meaning Heidi, my now wife!

It was casual at first. I’d say hello and Heidi would say hi. She’d answer my questions and help me. Interestingly enough, my production and quality went sky high. Coincidence? I think not. Slowly over time, my confidence in talking to Heidi increased. I remember being excited about coming in to work. Normally I’d fall asleep because doing data entry was just so boring to me. But having Heidi there kept me wide awake!

If at first you don’t succeed…

I quickly realized that I both wanted and needed to ask Heidi out. It’s like having this feeling in your chest that continues to get bigger and more dense until you act on it. So one day at work, I asked her if she wanted to do something later that night. We ended up going to a place called ‘Hickory Kist’. It was a little sandwich shop. I remember being so giddy and excited to be on a date with her. It was like floating above the ground in a dream. I wasn’t sure if it was real. Unfortunately, things became very real quickly.

As I talked to her and shared that I liked her, she said that she was already dating someone and was interested in them. The end result was that I went home that night completely in a large knot. I lived with my older brother at the time and they were watching a James Bond movie. The song, ‘For Your Eyes Only’ was playing. I remember just going upstairs to my room, lying on the bed and crying. As a young man without a great deal of emotional stability, this event was like a bomb being dropped on me.

I’m not sure my wife even knows that this song has a special association for me. It created such a powerful link to our first date, which ended on such a devastating note for me. It was tough, but I knew that Heidi didn’t share the same feelings for me at the time. So I had to make a difficult decision. I would try and date other people and move on. If Heidi decided she was interested or things didn’t work out for her and the other guy, then I would see how I felt at that moment.

And about placing the note earlier on Lisa’s desk and then turning her down. I think the reason I did so was that I didn’t believe I was the kind of person that should be going out with someone at her level. Simply put, my self esteem was not adequate to support the belief that someone might actually want to date me. So for you women, pay attention to the self esteem of guys you are around. This is a big clue in how they respond to you. Thankfully, Heidi helped me solve some of my self esteem issues. :)

Letting Heidi go went against my intuition. My intuition said to keep trying again and again until she decided she liked me better than the other guy. Fortunately for me, I did not pursue that path…

From like to love

Quite a few months passed. Our first date was in early 2000. By summer of that same year, I had separated my feelings for Heidi enough that I wasn’t completely agonizing over not dating her. I found that communicating with her at work was easier. I had dated a few other people – nothing serious, and had no idea what was about to happen. It was at our work summer party that it seems the seed I planted earlier in the year began to create fruit. Let me explain.

At our summer work party, things had not worked out for Heidi and the other guy she was seeing. It was then that she turned her attention to the seed I had planted. Some might call this a ‘rebound’. I’m fine with that. :) I actually didn’t talk to Heidi much at the work party. It was at an amusement park here in Utah called ‘Lagoon’. I learned later that Heidi was very interested in spending time with me there. Shortly after that party, I got a call from her…

I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting her call. I had moved on far enough that I wasn’t constantly thinking about her. But as she called and I heard her earnest voice showing interest in me, I was flooded with past emotions that I had built a dam so well to keep at bay. She asked if I wanted to go out again. I said yes, and we began spending literally every available moment of our lives together. I do not think this would have been possible had I not stepped away and let her figure things out on her end.

As we began seeing each other more and more, I realized that I truly loved Heidi. I had never been so close to another woman in my life and this was everything I could hope for. I’m not sure it would have been possible had I kept the pressure on her during a time she was interested in something else. I consider myself lucky that I instead chose to plant a seed instead. In the end it paid off. Heidi began reciprocating my feelings and we started talking about marriage.

I proposed to her one evening while sitting on a bench. I proposed by writing on her hand my proposal, to which she wrote back, ‘Yes’. We did this by using our finger to write, so we had to be very aware of what the other was saying. So the reason my wife married me even though I was not her type was very simple.

I planted a seed and shared my intent and accepted her response. I backed off and let her figure things out. I wasn’t pushy. I wasn’t desperate. She very well could have never come back to me. And that is something I would have had to accept. Even as a young man with many rough edges, I was still able to win Heidi’s hand in marriage on December 2, 2000 due to simply waiting my turn.

And I really wasn’t her type. I was a basketball short wearing, self degrading, direction-less, clueless young man. But Heidi’s compassion, and I believe lack of pressure, helped her see past this and find out who I really was by spending time with me. Did I mention I am really lucky?

So what about you?

This story is all well and good. And there was some luck involved on my part. But how does it pertain to you? This is a good question. Chances are one of you out there likes or is interested in someone. If you find that your same feelings aren’t being returned, then it might be time for you to back off and start pursuing other people. This isn’t easy. When I chose to do that with my now wife, I had knots in my stomach. It required a tough decision. But it was the right decision.

If a relationship with your love interest is going to happen and they aren’t showing interest in you right now, a relationship probably won’t happen in the immediate future. You just have to step away and be patient. And just when you have about moved on completely, that’s when the other person will come back and you will have the opportunity to pursue them if it is still in your interest. This worked for me even with all my quirks in dress, speech, and behavior, all of which were opposites of what my wife wanted. But once she got to know me, those barriers were taken down.

Above all, just don’t be pushy. Be willing to step away even if it is counter intuitive. That worked for me, so it is the only perspective I have to share. Perhaps my wife will chime in and fill in the gaps and holes here, but I think this is a good start for those of you interested in how Heidi and I met, and how I eventually won her hand in marriage, even though I wasn’t her type.