Kicking It Into High Gear

Lately, I’ve been realizing the sheer amount of stuff there is to do – both at work, for my body, around my condo, and in other areas of my life. There’s this immense pile of stuff to do. Here’s a taste of what needs to be done for my Condo alone:

  • Figure out why the heat doesn’t work
  • Fix the baseboard/water damage on a window (note, I’m surprised I didn’t see this when I was viewing the place to purchase)
  • Fix numerous dings in the wall
  • Patch up a carpet hole in my daughter’s room
  • Remove a stain from my daughter’s room’s carpet
  • Vacuum (done every few days because I have 3 CATS!)

Personally, I have tons of work to do to try and heal my body. This includes visits to spine specialists, doing physical therapy, and eating healthy with supplements.

At work, I made a page for our team to track the work we are doing on a key company objective. There are 8 rows and 15 columns. That’s 120 tasks that need to be accomplished before December 23. Phew. It’s going to take effort from each team member to make this happen and as I continue to transition in my new role as manager of this team, I’m finding the sheer amount of information I need to remember in my head overwhelming.

But all of this feels good in a funny and strange way. I’m back into normal life – as normal as my life can get right now. Yes, my body feels like it is under assault by electric shocks and pain, but I’m getting into a routine now, which is great. Each day I come home from work and I just feel like passing out on my bed. It sure beats staring at my ceiling fan all day, which was about all I could do for a couple months!

I think the point of this article is to say I still have my mental faculties about me and that to have a great life, you’ve got to become a great person. You do this by taking action toward the things you want, even when they are hard. There’s some areas of my life that still need work, but I feel happy knowing that I am out making things happen both for myself and the company that has been so generous to me while I go through my disability.

Self Awareness

I’ve been reading the blog of someone who is a very eloquent writer and seems to have a high level of awareness – and at such a young age. She is someone that is going places. I applaud anyone who shares themselves online because it takes guts and as you get popular, you will start to get people who “sling rocks at you.” I’ve found this to be true on my YouTube channel as more and more people start to see my videos.

Self awareness is the ability to see yourself as you are – not any worse or better than you are, but just as you are. This includes what your personality is like, what your addictions are, what your strengths are, what your weaknesses are, and the things that are going on in your body. The more intelligence and emotional IQ someone has, the more capability for self awareness in my opinion – because awareness comes from dissecting reality as it is and learning from what other people have discovered and disseminating that information.

Why do I write about self awareness? Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and all the areas I’ve outlined above. Because life has been so challenging this year, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on it and where I’m going.

First, I’ve been back to work for 3 days now managing a completely new team. I like the challenge and I can already see the personalities of each team member. I can see the host of things that concern them and the stresses they feel. I find myself thinking about how I can, as a leader, help guide them to feel fulfilled, less stressed, feel accomplished, happy, and make the business more successful.

Second, my body is collapsing. As I examine my body, here’s a list of the things that are going wrong. I’m only 38 years old at the time of writing this – I have some serious physical challenges ahead of me.

  • I had a spinal fusion on my L5S1 disc on July 22, 2016. I am still recovering from that and my nerves continue to twitch and flare up.
  • My neck appears to have multiple degenerated and herniated discs. My neck is sore and has jarring pain in it and my arms get weak when my neck is in certain positions. Next week, I see a neurosurgeon and I believe they will come to the same conclusion I already have. I’ve become extremely self aware of how the human body works.
  • My right shoulder is slightly torn inside. There’s just enough of a hitch in it and some day, I may require surgery on it.
  • My right knee has a slightly torn patella. This is a ligament behind the knee cap that will not repair itself without a knee scope surgery to poke the bone and create blood flow. It takes about 6 weeks to recover fully from that surgery. I will eventually need that surgery if I want to run again.
  • My right ear has a humming sound in it – especially before bed. I believe it is Tinnitus, but I’m not entirely sure.
  • My teeth are getting worn because I grind them at night. Each tooth besides the 4 in front on top and bottom has a filling in it. Eventually I will need crowns or tooth regeneration for every tooth as I cannot wear a mouth guard and sleep at night.
  • My right big toe has bone spurs. If I run or play basketball without wearing a toe separator, it will become really sore and hurt. I don’t know a solution for that yet, but since I can’t run right now, it doesn’t really matter :)
  • My jaw is really sore and clicks. I have TMJ. Occasionally I wake up with a really sore jaw and can barely open it. I know that stress is contributing to this.
  • My spine has disc degenerative disease. It just means that the spinal discs weaken and are prone to herniating/bulging, which often puts pressure on the nerves coming out of the spinal cord. This causes pain, weakness, and tingling, especially in the arms and legs.
  • I get dizzy and my vision oscillates when I try and focus on my computer monitor. Even as I type this article, I have to look away periodically to avoid the dizziness. I believe this is from my cervical nerves going to my head being compressed by a disc, but I don’t know for sure.

I’m very bullish on any company that creates nanobots that can go in and machine learn about a particular person’s human body, and have the capability to go in and repair it all. I have a lot that needs repairing right now. I envision a blueprint of what a healthy human body looks like. I envision nanobots with software that can know what everything is – the skin, muscle, skeletal system, the nerves, brain, everything, and has the ability to learn and find where things are messed up and fix them. I would love to have my spinal discs fixed and reconstructed for starters – that would be great!

Third, I’m very aware of human relationships and where I fail in that area. I chose to divorce my wife over two years ago now. Some think I am a cold hearted bastard for doing that. Others think I am very brave. Pick your lens on how you wish to view it… Regardless, the outcome of that choice has been me living on my own and being forced to navigate life as a single dad of two girls. It has been very rewarding and challenging at the same time.

As I’ve gone out and met many women, I’ve learned exactly what I’m looking for in a woman. Unfortunately, that kind of woman has proven to be incredibly difficult to even get a hello back from and so I face what many face – the kind of person you want you are invisible to, and those you don’t want often chase you and want you badly. I find it interesting that people go for what they know they cannot have, but ignore what is right there in front of them. I also recognize the kind of woman I want is what every other guy dreams of and so the competition is fierce… I don’t have an answer for this except I recognize the pattern…

Fourth, my physical challenges, especially in my spine, have humbled me. Without facing it with humility and seeing what I can learn from it, I would have shot myself with a gun a long time ago. I don’t say that lightly either. The kind of pain I’ve been in has brought me to my knees and made me question why I should even be alive. I look at it as an opportunity to triumph and come back stronger than ever – with more knowledge and empathy than I’ve ever had before.

I often wonder if my mind could alter my body. If I had a continuous stream of uplifting and positive thoughts, would that alter my body’s form. Would my disc’s heal, my nerves relax, and my reality start manifesting as I want it. Part of me believes this is true, but I also believe there is just plain old reality and that no matter what we think, that reality exists and the only thing we can do is to accept it and work as hard as we can to be the best versions of ourselves we can be and see what shows up from that effort.

Lastly, I’m grateful, even with all the challenges I’m having. I come home from work exhausted, feeling like I’ve run a marathon and feel sick. Every time I eat, I become nauseous just from my body digesting the food. It’s clear to me that I don’t have much energy because most is going in to trying and heal my body. When I talked to my new boss at work yesterday, I could see him nodding, but he really had no clue or ability to empathize with what was going on with me. He just knows I’m hurting and says he wants to help, but I can see that he doesn’t have a clue except to know that I’m in pain.

So as I reflect on myself and life right here and now, I have so much to work on and improve – and one big area is self love. Self love is incredibly hard for me. I’m so hard on myself. Every time I fail or don’t get what I want, I immediately blame myself for not being enough. I think, “if I was just better than I was… I might succeed or get that.” I criticize and judge myself. I worry what others think. I compare myself to others far too often. I have a ton of work to do in the self love department.

Yet, as I say all this, I find myself finding joy in this process. In a perplexing way, I am having a sense of joy as I wake up each day not even knowing if my body will make it through. It makes all my interactions precious because I honestly feel like each interaction I have with a person could be my last. At any moment, my body could collapse and I could be dead. I honestly feel that way and it makes me give everything I have to each and every day, to my writing here, and to my YouTube subscribers who I’ve grown to love and appreciate for giving their support to my journey in life.

I’ll end by saying have some empathy and care for people. Acknowledge the consciousness of every human being. So many are crying out for help. Even if you don’t really want to talk to someone, at least tell them, but wish them well on their journey. It’s the willingness to communicate that makes the difference and acknowledging that we are all humans on this journey together.

Much love and peace to you, whoever you are reading this.

Degenerating Spinal Discs

I had another MRI done recently, this time of my neck. I’ve been experiencing jabs of pain in my neck and some arm weakness so I wanted to see what was going on underneath the hood. Based on my MRI films, it looks like a couple discs are bulging out/herniated, but I won’t know for sure until the neurosurgeon examines them and gives his professional diagnosis. If there is one theme this year, it is that my spine is prone to discs herniating. I had a spinal fusion surgery done on July 22, 2016, and I’ve decided I’m done with surgeries – at least invasive surgeries like the one I had done. Recovery has been hell, and so I am now compelled to find a solution to my discs in my spine which hit my nerves and cause me weakness and pain.

Here is one image from the MRI of my neck. I’ve circled what I believe are some of the problem discs.

Jeremy Cervical Spine, November, 2016

I’ll be 39 in just over a month and that is still young. Because I have so much life to live, I cannot fathom living the rest of it with the back, leg, and now neck and arm pain that I’m experiencing. I must find a solution and I’m sure it involves reducing stress, improving posture, using traction, physical therapy, and possibly a minimally invasive procedure as a last resort. I’m going to spend time researching and trying things and will update as I see progress.

The saying is so true – if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. The spinal cord and the nerves coming out of it are so vital to the body’s function… My health is pretty fucked up right now… But I will find a way to get it back.

Getting Ready To Go Back To Work… Again :)

I’m going back to work in a few days to give it another try. I’ve spent 6 weeks in my Condo here just healing. It’s definitely not a vacation… at all. Think of it like trying to survive an attack by wild animals, except you are being bitten all the time and just have to make it. That’s what my back and nerves feel like and now neck nerves are joining the party. Still, the time has gone by really fast and I’m excited to try to work again. I can’t spend the rest of my life in survival mode…

I’ve thought about some things while on my own. One is how time flies when you aren’t working. Even though I have some pain, the days fly by. I’m not looking at my calendar wondering when meetings are or having to be really precise with deadlines. This is a nice stress reliever, however, the stress I get from pain and nerve weakness more than makes up for it. I could go on long term disability, but then I would forfeit guaranteed employment with my employer and I’m not ready to make that leap yet. I want to see how I do going back to work now that I’ve had 6 weeks to “REST”.

One of the things I’m ready to do is explore this new city I live in now. I felt very distinctly that I needed to move here at the time I did and I can walk enough now that I can start going to some places on my own. I’m going to start doing that and see what happens. I may even write or do a YouTube video about the experience.

While I’ve been out, my YouTube channel has continued to grow. I’m very grateful for the community that has been built up. There seems to be a great need for practical information on how to move past what people go through in the disconnects they have. Now that I’ve found a way to do it, I can share what I did to help others and that feels really good.

All in all, I’m excited to go back to work and see how it goes. I’ll have less people to manage which I am grateful for. I need that right now as I get my health back.

Learning To Move On

I write a lot about twin flames and one of the big lessons I’ve learned is moving on from people, even a twin flame, who don’t express interest or enthusiasm in being in your life. It’s a difficult thing to do, especially if you really like someone, but it builds emotional muscle and fortitude that can’t be done any other way. You’ll learn to create standards and boundaries for yourself in your life. Here are two videos which talk about this, using the twin flame as a basis, but you could use anything – a friend, someone you are dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc…

Why People Move on and Don’t Contact You

Responding to My Subscriber Comments About Why People Move On