Learning To Move On

I write a lot about twin flames and one of the big lessons I’ve learned is moving on from people, even a twin flame, who don’t express interest or enthusiasm in being in your life. It’s a difficult thing to do, especially if you really like someone, but it builds emotional muscle and fortitude that can’t be done any other way. You’ll learn to create standards and boundaries for yourself in your life. Here are two videos which talk about this, using the twin flame as a basis, but you could use anything – a friend, someone you are dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc…

Why People Move on and Don’t Contact You

Responding to My Subscriber Comments About Why People Move On

Communication, Clarity, and Speaking Up

One of the lessons I’ve learned since being on my own is the importance of speaking your truth. This article talks about how in the past I’ve felt diminished in speaking my truth by other people. Others have treated me poorly and it has caused me to put up walls or act in ways that are not true to me. Fortunately, I’ve been able to solve that and when I feel something, I speak it without fear. This has been one of the great lessons of personal growth I’ve had since being on my own.

I’m definitely not perfect. I can say and do things and look back and say, “well, that wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve done, or was the best thing to say publicly.” I’m mortal, so that isn’t likely to stop. I have to be at peace with myself in that way because I am a free spirit and free expresser, but also pause and make sure that what I’m saying is also empathetic and comes from a place of love. I’ve written some very thought provoking articles on my website and also some wildly chaotic articles. I’m grateful I have the freedom to write.

Sometimes when I write, I’m either heightened emotionally, or just randomly spewing out words without thinking of what the repercussions might be. I’m a very peaceful and loving person at heart and this is some good food for thought for me.

As a man, I’ve learned the importance of seeking clarity. Clarity in my life for the things I’m striving toward. Right now, I am seeking clarity for my short term disability and potential long term disability from my employer. This means a lot of phone calls and a lot of discussions. It is pretty tiring, but it is something I must do in order to keep my life going and stay in my condo.

Lastly, I believe in speaking up for what you feel and believe in. I believe in communicating your wants and desires. If you want something, speak it, or you will feel guilt and regret. When I speak up for what I feel and want, regardless of the outcome of what happens, I feel really good. Thanks for reading!

The Need For Empathy

Empathy is the ability to look at another individual or group of people and put yourself in their position and see what life is like for that person or group. It then means you can communicate back to them about their life and views. It’s one of the most difficult things to do. This is because each of us are the center of our own universe’s and trying to live like someone else means going outside of yourself and becoming that person. Again, this is really hard to do. When you look at someone else, they are a robot because they are simply a representation of what your eyes see and your brain perceives.

With my back and nerves being the way they are, I feel myself crying out for empathy. Empathy from my family, empathy from friends, empathy from my employer, empathy from the government. I need the assistance right now and it is extremely humbling to ask for help. I hate asking for help… But, I am disabled and cannot even work for a couple hours before my body fatigues. This means I need more time… In order to live my life, I need empathy and assistance from other humans.

There’s many people who cannot help themselves in the world. They have a terminal illness, are suffering from a mental condition, or are temporarily disabled (like me). It’s tough because sometimes I think that I just get in the way of society being the way that I am right now. Nevertheless, I am grateful that I get something to help me along and it gives me hope for the future.

The world needs empathy. For humanity to rise to a higher level of consciousness, there needs to empathy for each other so that we can help lift those who don’t have access or are disabled for any reason. Now that I’m on the other side of the fence, so to speak, and am living life just trying to survive, I can see why handicap parking is so important and why helping those who struggle is necessary. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I were not getting any help at all. I’d feel lost and hopeless.

Take a look at people who are struggling, sick, or disabled. They are not needy. They need help and it says a lot about someone when they offer their support to someone who cannot do anything back in return…

A Smidge of Life Returns

Yesterday, I felt life return to me that hasn’t been felt in quite some time. I went out with a woman, had margaritas, and just laughed. I felt… gasp… normal, at least for a few hours. I still have leg weakness and I am laid up in bed right now as even being out for a couple hours completely wipes me out. But I felt a taste of life again and it felt really good. That day may come where I feel normal again – and when I do, I will feel just as grateful for the simple things in life as I did before my back went out on me earlier in April of 2016.

Here’s a video of me talking about the simple things in life and my curiosity regarding the upcoming election and how quick people are to demonize the candidates. We as humans have a hard time being satisfied and continually chase “phantoms” – that is, things that are not based in reality. I’m grateful I learned the lesson of being at peace with reality and no longer chase after phantoms. Well, enjoy the video!

Needing Help

Right now, I’m having a lot of difficulty even doing simple things, like going shopping for myself. I must admit, there’s a part of me that wonders if I should have even had surgery, however, I was pretty bad before surgery, so at this point it is up in the air to see if I will fully recover from my spinal fusion. My lower back aches and I feel weak when I walk, along with continued muscle twitches in my calves… I’m currently off work for another 6 weeks and somehow, I have to heal.

This makes me wonder and think about others who are struggling in life. When you are healthy, you don’t think about other people who are disabled or struggling – at least for me, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about people who were disabled. Now that I am disabled, I’m realizing that life is even more complex. What to do about those people who are struggling both physically and mentally. How do they receive care? If I didn’t have a good job with insurance, I don’t know what I would do…

I can’t even be a good father for my kids right now. I have the strength to lay here and type, but that’s about it. I’m going to see if my insurance will cover home care, get an MRI to make see what is going on inside my body, and ask for help from everyone I know. I don’t know what else to do…

Update – it’s later in the day and I thought I would add a little more to this. I don’t like to just vent about things. It feels selfish. Yet, my reality is this major battle I’m fighting from within that nobody sees. I have to keep my focus on getting better, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to sustain what I’m doing. When I’m healthy and can work, life is no problem. Like this, it’s a struggle. I am struggling my friends reading this and I bare this struggle to you.


I’m laying in my bed in my new condo I moved into yesterday. As I left my apartment in Orem for the last time today to pick up a few straggling items, it finally sunk in – I made the choice to go on my own and leave my wife and kids. After nearly two years, this reality is actually hitting me.

You may not realize it, but I feel a tremendous sense of guilt for walking out on my kids and my now ex-wife. I know it wasn’t me just walking out on them – there were reasons, but it was such a difficult decision and as I lay here now, all the good memories are starting to flood me. Memories of Christmas, Easter Egg Hunts, trips to Hawaii, the dating before I got married and so on and so on. I didn’t expect this flood of memories and emotion to hit me, but it has.

It took a tremendous amount of effort to grab my cats and put them in my car, and then get them to my 3rd floor condo. I’m grateful for the help I had to move here. This condo is really nice and a huge step up from my apartment. I’m very grateful to have it. It’s also more expensive, so I will have to be very tight with my finances for a while.

I bring up the cats because they are 11 years old – Sneaker the mom being 12 years old. They are getting old. Heidi (my ex-wife) and I got all these cats when we bought one cat from PetSmart that we thought was a male fixed cat. Turns out it was a female not fixed cat and she got pregnant and had babies – two of which I now have: Ator and Dido. I also have Sneaker, the mom. Chloe is with Heidi’s older sister and Everett died a few years ago. They are good cats and I have a lot of fond memories with them when they were younger, seeing them jump at cat toys really high and hiding up in the roof of the basement in the house I used to live in.


I love the cats a lot. However, with my back being as bad as it is, I wrestle with taking them to a well known, no-kill, animal shelter here in Utah. I’m going to see how this week goes. If my back isn’t feeling better and the cats are too much, I am going to have to take them there – which will pain me to no end.

I face a lot of uncertainty with my back right now. I can’t sit for more than about 20 minutes before my back and legs start to flare up. I’ve overdone it the last few weeks at work and moving and setback my recovery. I’m on short term leave again from work for 6 more weeks. After that, I won’t have any more time left and will have to discuss options at that time. I’m hoping and even praying that I can recover enough in the next 6 weeks. Otherwise, things will get dicey for my future.

One of the unfortunate side effects of my back issue at the moment is a lot of time laying down to think. And right now, I’ve been thinking about the past and allowing myself to cry. I don’t hold back my tears anymore when I am sad. I just let myself cry as much as I need to. I’ve done a lot of that lately.

When You Lose Your Health for the First Time

On April 19th, 2016 (my ex-wife’s birthday funny enough), I began to have back issues. Here I am, 5 months later and 2 months post a spinal fusion operation and for the first time in my life, I have not had my health for an extended period of time. I haven’t been able to run, play basketball, go to the gym, or do any of the fun things that I like to do. It is the singular most frustrating thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my entire life. At age 38, I feel like I’ve been mortally wounded and unable to do the things I love to do.

Now, not having my health has forced me to take a step back and examine my life. I’ve had to work out short term disability leave from my employer and tomorrow, I officially move into a condo that I bought last week. It’s a lot of stress at once, that’s for sure! Somehow, I am managing to do all this with my lower back tendons, tissue, and nerves, rocking and reeling from my surgery.

When I had my health – when I was running 5K’s daily last year, I gave thanks to the universe for my health. I always knew in the back of my mind that my health could be ripped away from me. Now that it has been, I have fond memories of running, playing basketball, and running around with my kids. For the next long while, I am going to be in recovery mode and I do not know what the end date of that recovery will be. I think for the rest of my life, I will have to manage my back and spine…

I’ve cried a lot this week. As I’ve been moving, I’ve overused my body and caused nerve flare ups in my legs and back. If you’ve never experienced them, they suck. It feels like your leg is being boiled in acid and shocked with electricity.

I don’t say this looking for pity, but to share – share raw and real what is going on with me and how I feel. Moving to this new condo and having a place of my own that I BOUGHT will force me out of my comfort zone even more and the area is in my favorite city in Utah, Draper.

I have to believe that there is a time I will be healthy again, because living my life as a cripple is frustrating :) I will get there, or die trying.

The Illusion of the Twin Flame

My most popular article about twin flames has gotten so many comments that I just don’t have the time to respond to them. I just let people share paragraphs upon paragraphs of their stories because I know how helpful it is when you are initially going through it to be able to voice yourself.

After all this time, I’ve deconstructed the situation and I know exactly what it is. My situation is very similar to everyone else’s, but I’ll share exactly what the illusion is and how my situation unfolded.

There was for sure an initial attraction in the situation for me between both of us – absolutely. Both of us freely interacted and in my case, I was married at the time. This created additional attraction toward me because I was “unavailable”. A married man is off limits and that’s enticing.

Because I was married, I was extremely free to interact without any expectations. This created additional attraction because a woman who sees that a man’s feelings are unclear and isn’t pressuring her into anything is going to be drawn to that man – especially if there is the initial attraction. That man then becomes a challenge, which is way more interesting than a man who just throws himself at a woman. This was the case for me.

In my case, we had casual lunches where we would talk and I would always end the lunch. I never acted in a way where I needed anything from the other. Once we started spending more time together, it had been such a long period of time of interacting that there was quite a bit of tension to escalate the situation.

Once we began spending more time together, that was what people call the bubble phase. It was really just two people who were really into each other at the time. Unknowingly, I created the perfect recipe for attraction – confidence, control, challenge, and not being easily available.

After this period ended after a couple months, that’s when the search for the explanation started. But really, it was just a huge investment in emotion by my part who would be called the chaser. The other saw the situation and “checked out” many weeks prior, similarly to how I “checked out” of my marriage a while before I actually got divorced.

The one who “checks out” loses any emotional attachment and separating is not that big a deal for them. Many in the twin flame situation who chase create these elaborate ideas that the other is just so afraid to talk to them because they might get rejected. That’s a huge lie. The other has simply checked out and moved on much sooner than the one who is the chaser.

The illusion is that because the “chaser” did not “check out”, they remained emotionally invested as the other disconnected. This lead them to feel pain because their emotions were still running hot. It’s like taking away a rack of ribs from someone who hasn’t eaten for a few days. They really want those ribs because of their hunger.

And so it was the case for me. Eventually, through discipline, willpower, and moving on, those emotions do die down for the “chaser” and reach the level that the “runner” is at. It becomes level again.

So many chasers, especially women, create this idea in their mind about the situation and become fixated on the other instead of seeing reality as it is and moving on. These women want so badly the other to want them and this is a poor way to value yourself. Always move on from people who don’t respond to you. This does take discipline.

There really is no twin flame, I hate to say it, just a situation where two people were really attracted to each other, the perfect situation allowed interaction and interest, and one person checked out and the other didn’t while their emotions were hot still. It’s just a type of human interaction and that is it.

Hope this helps some of you see the reality of the situation where you may be having a hard time. Just move on and chalk it up to a learning experience – especially if you were the chaser in the situation.

What It Is Like Returning To Work 6 Weeks After My Spinal Fusion

I went to work today, for the first time in a long while. It was pretty funny actually. I just walked in and went to my desk, just like I did before my surgery. Some people said hello and asked me how I was feeling, my boss let out a cheer for me and some people clapped, I talked to my team members, and then it was back to business as usual. How funny :) It felt like I never left.

I’m proud of myself in that I worked almost a full day. I worked from 9:30 AM to about 4:00 PM. That’s pretty good! My lower back and left leg nerves were all sorts of grumpy by the end of the day, but I’ve been laying down on my bed for about 30 minutes and a lot of that has calmed down now. From what I understand, it’s just the healing process of the nerves, which are grumpy little things. They go from my lower spinal cord down my legs and the nerves going down my left leg (which were the nerves getting hit by my disc to begin with), is where I get the nerve flare ups. It feels like there is a slight electrical current moving through my left leg. Lots of movement and just being up out of bed causes it to increase, but I don’t feel nerve pain usually, just nerve pulses. It’s interesting.

In case you don’t know, I had a PLIF. That’s a surgery done through your back where bone is removed from your spine, the disc removed from your vertebrae, a bone cage put in where the disc was, and titanium rods and screws put in your vertebrae to hold it together to start the fusing process of bone for that joint.

After 6 weeks, I can walk a lot, and all the work today – standing, sitting, moving, and just being up for over 6 hours, has caused the nerve in my left leg to pulsate a lot. I even had a couple really sharp pains of the nerve toward the end of the day. But it’s all calmed down mostly, which is good. I’m hoping that as time goes on, the nerves will heal and I will get back to my usual activities. There’s always the risk that the nerve will never heal and I’ll just have to deal with it :)

Either way, I made it through the day and now have a long list of things I need to do this week. Welcome back to the real world, Jeremy :)

Oh, I almost forgot. This is a picture while I was recovering many years ago from my prior back surgery (a discectomy of L5S1) surgery, in February, 2010, with my daughter Ellie who was 2 1/2 years old at the time. It is one of my fondest memories and makes me cry when I see it. I miss seeing my two daughters as often as I once did.

Daddy and Ellie, Feb. 2010

Walking A Lot

One of the things I’ve been doing as I’ve been recovering from my spinal fusion is walking. I walk a lot – many times a day. Usually I do about a mile a time – 15 minute bursts and each day I end up covering 4 miles or so. This is my cardio exercise. After I walk each time, I do very light versions of the following exercises: squats, wall push-ups, arm curls, shoulder presses, tricep extensions, squats, and calf raises. Then I lay down and do bridges and stomach crunches down, along with very light crunches.

Of all the things I’ve done, walking and getting out and moving my body has been the most beneficial. It’s overriding my desire to not move and be safe. I still feel concerned that I’ll do something that dislodges a titanium screw in my spine or dislodges the spacer between my vertebrae. But each time I get out and walk and move my body, I feel much better.

I feel some minor soreness in my lower back and some very light nerve pain/pulses in my left leg occasionally. This is much better than I was last month, so I’m grateful that I am getting better slowly it seems. I just try and take it a day at a time and hope that in the long run, I’ll never have this disc issue cause me nerve pain again and that I will fully heal.

Tomorrow, I am going back to work – we’ll see how I hold up…

Well, that’s my update – I’m walking a lot and trying to recover fully from this major and intense surgery I had.