Loving Yourself

I recently wrote a journal entry to myself while at work. From time to time, as I am inspired, I will write to myself to share the thoughts I think important. In this case, I wrote about self love. This seems to be the current theme in my life right now. I’ve struggled for most of my life with self love. I’ve felt unworthy or incapable of doing or accomplishing the things that really interest me. I’ve made it a habit to focus on self love and in particular the dialogue I have with myself.

I’ve been trying to determine where my self love issues come from. Ever since my first memory, I remember struggling with confidence and being shy and timid. I’ve been afraid to be bold, go for it, and take risks. My current theory is that at a young age, my father yelled at me and caused me physical harm if I did anything too out of the ordinary. I remember being petrified of him as a child, wondering if he was going to blow up at me at any moment. He was always like a volcano, ready to erupt.

That seems to be the root of my self love challenge. It stems from having it drilled in to me to shutup, be quiet, and being told I am stupid. These aren’t the most fun memories to have as a child, but I think it’s important to just see the reality as it is. I was programmed to be the way I was at a young age. I’ve been working my adult life to undo this programming. I’m making progress :)

Lately, I am realizing that I am my own biggest advocate. I am my own biggest cheer leader. I must rally myself. I must inspire myself. Only I can do this. There’s a great saying: if it is to be, it is up to me. I think this applies here. I’ve had some challenges. I made a bold decision to go out on my own. I think that was the first step in self love actually. To make a brave decision and support myself in my brave new adventure.

I continually hug myself and tell myself how brave I am. I am starting to treat myself the way I’d want my best friend, love, confidant, you name it, to treat me.

The Sound of Silence

There’s a video of a song I really like, sung by Disturbed. They sing, “Sound of Silence” as a cover for the original version sung by Simon and Garfunkle. Here’s the song sung on the late night show with Conan O’Brien:

This song means to me two things: that in life, we will continue to experience the same mistakes and pain – the same darkness, until we face the demon that is that darkness head on and defeat it. It’s facing your biggest fear and pain head on and it’s scary to do.

The second part of the song is the sound of silence. I believe each person is thinking many different things in their minds all the time – ideas, things they’d like to share, things they’d like to tell another person, but it all becomes unsaid or unwritten and is left to dust and never becomes a part of humanity.

This song is a powerful message about facing fear and speaking your truth – which is why a blog is so wonderful. It gives me a voice to emote my truth. There’s tons I’d like to say to other people, but I still have fears there. I’m working on being fully authentic – it’s a quest of mine right now to fully embrace what I think and feel without worrying what might come back or a response is.

I’m off to listen to this song a few more times. The guy here has an amazing voice and vocal range. I feel gratitude for this journey of life and what I’m learning.

Wrapping Up If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me

One of the nice things writing my series, about taking charge of my health, has done for me has put me in a frame of mind to live in a way that is healthy and taking me in a direction that will help me heal from what is going on. At this point in time, I’m not completely healed, but I have made a lot of progress since that first article where I really felt like I was dying.

I remember about a month ago… I felt like I was going to die. I walked up a couple of stairs and had to stop. I was very close to calling a paramedic and having them come get me. Instead, I took a few minutes and caught my breath and then finished the stairs.

It’s interesting what goes through your mind when you feel like you are going to die. I immediately thought of my daughters. I thought about making sure I had a living will so they would be taken care of if I die. I thought about everything that had happened to my life up until that point. This was VERY recent.

I’m continuing to learn as I make changes in my life. I’ve learned to love organic foods, salads. I love making organic eggs with cocunut oil, olive oil, and salt and pepper. It’s yummy. I appreciate a good salmon now, also with cocunut oil and olive oil with salt and pepper. I’m learning more about digestion and what some of the problems can be with it.

I’ve improved in many of my symptoms. I still have more work to do and challenges to solve. I still have more undigested food than I would like in my poop. I’m on my second day of taking diatomaceous earth. This substance really helps clean out your colon like a sweeper with a scrubber. It may even help remove unwanted parasites from my insides if I have them. This morning, I did quite a lot of emptying of my colon from poop and the poop looked pretty good – long and S shaped.

I would never have thought I would become a student of poop. It’s amazing what sickness and pain will do to a person though. I’m driven to figure this condition of mine out and it largely seems that I must live a very healthy lifestyle to heal my insides and get over this. I’m NOT INTERESTED in going under any more surgeries…

I’m wrapping up this series of articles because I am now in the habit of preparing my food, eating healthy, and focusing on my health. This past Saturday, I went to play basketball outside! It was sunny, 50 degrees, and I just took off my shirt and played. I loved it! I’ll write more as I continue to learn about my health in the hopes that it might help any who have been struggling. So far, the answer has been discipline, healthy eating, taking supplements, and focusing on gratitude.

Speaking of gratitude, I’ve been focusing on gratitude for my self. I’m grateful to be me. I’m grateful for the talents and gifts I have. I’m grateful for the resolve to fight through and overcome my challenges. I’m grateful for my two amazing daughters. I’m grateful for my condo and cats. I’m grateful that I have the opportunities at work that I do. I’m grateful to be alive and continue to do the best I can to improve myself and contribute to this world.

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me (Part 6) – What It Takes To Be Healthy

Well this journey of regaining my health is an interesting one. One of the biggest things I’ve learned about it is that right now, if I sneak even a little bit of non organic, or non natural food, my body gets very angry with me. I tested this theory by trying some veggie straws a couple days ago. It did not sit well with my body :). Yesterday, I started 100% organic and natural foods. Before I’d say I was doing about 80%, but it’s clear only 100% will suffice.

I can feel my body getting cleaned out… I’m not sure how much more there is to clean out. It might take a few more months or a few more years. Regardless of how much time it takes, this new lifestyle of mine is now permanent. I now eat leafy green vegetables, organic everything, and stay away from boxed, bagged, and processed foods.

In early December of last year, my body really got slammed. In the last 3 weeks since I’ve started eating healthy, I can look at my symptoms and see things starting to improve. Here’s a list of the symptoms I’ve been having:

  • Fatigue
  • Nausea
  • Lack of appetite
  • Abdominal pain
  • Constipation
  • Brain fog (difficulty concentrating)
  • Insomnia
  • Anxiety
  • Bloating
  • High blood pressure
  • Inability to go up stairs or exert myself

Each one of these symptoms has slowly started to improve. Getting sleep, especially, is a big one. I purchased a big dark curtain for my room so that I could have it be darker. There appears to be a rhythm to sleep and keeping it dark seems to aid in the sleep process.

I’ve been following several natural, holistic doctor’s and following their advice. It’s interesting because these doctor’s talk about how if you live a fully clean and natural lifestyle, make sure your body is functioning properly, that things like even cancer can be cured.

I’m not sure what I believe at this point, but I do see that putting healing foods in my body and practicing healthy habits like meditation, prayer, gratitude, journaling, getting sun daily, and exercise are all helping in my recovery.

I’m not sure where this health road will lead me, but I’m happy with the progress that’s been happening so far. I figure if I eat 100% clean, organic, exercise, keep my mind right, get all the nutrients and sun I need, that if I still don’t get better, I can accept that. I have a feeling that I will get better though :)

To get healthy, take charge of your life, food, health, and well being. Don’t look for someone to do it for you. You must be your own advocate and participate in your own rescue. Looking forward to the continuing weeks as I heal.

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me (Part 5) – Progress!

Well hey! It’s certainly been a wild ride on this journey of getting my health back. For 8 months, I’ve been for all intensive purposes, dead. Laying in bed, having a hard time moving, and not doing much at all. However, with my changes in eating, focusing on meditation and being mindful of my thoughts, along with really giving it my all and pushing myself a little, I am making progress.

Today, I played basketball at the gym – just shot around by myself, but did it for about 20 minutes. Before that, I lifted weights! They weren’t heavy, but I did a whole body weight workout that included pull ups! Granted, I can’t do that many pull ups right now, but I felt like a normal human being again, like my old self.

My favorite foods right now are:

  • Pumpkin seeds – they have no sugar, taste good, and have a lot of nutrients.
  • Greens – Kale, Collared Greens, Green Onions, Celery, Cilantro. I make salads with these and pumpkin seeds now and I feel alive when I eat them.
  • Organic Oats – I cook these every day and put a little pure maple syrup on them. It’s good!
  • Bone Broth – I have tons of bone broth that I drink regularly.
  • Sweet Potatoes – I love sweet potatoes and so do my daughters. I can’t eat too many though as they have sugar.
  • Brown Rice – I love making brown rice :) It has very little sugar.
  • Nutritional Shake and supplements – I love this shake and drinking it with my supplements.
  • Cocunut Milk – I love this milk and feel good after drinking it. It has no sugar.
  • Avocados – I love these and can eat them all day.
  • Soup with veggies – I put carrots, celery, and other veggies in my fridge in a soup with water and bone broth. Cook for 15 minutes and eat. It doesn’t taste amazing, but it’s good enough :)
  • Cocunut Chips – My favorite snack now. They are only made from potatoes, cocunut oil, and sea salt.

I am learning to love healthy foods and am now learning about nutrition composition in foods, in particular Disaccharides – this is where I have a problem according to my biopsy of my stomach and small intestine. The 3 main ones are lactose, sucrose, and maltose. So I look at every food’s nutrition composition now before eating it.

The biggest change is cutting out all dairy and soy. The only wheat I have is in one of my fiber supplements. I imagine as time goes on, I will be moving more toward a vegan diet.

I’m happy right now, still have a ways to go to heal, but am satisfied with the progress I’ve made to this point. Looking forward to continuing this journey of my health.

Here’s a video I did for my YouTube subscribers talking about the progress being made on my health:

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me (Part 4)

This journey of understanding my health continues. I’ve heard many different theories from people as well as having my gastroenterology report. This situation with my health is very interesting because a doctor cannot go in and perform a surgery to fix this or give me a cure (pill). I am on my own (with the help of others and information available) to solve this and I do not know the solution currently… It could be a combination of time and discipline that ultimately heals me.

My official diagnosis is “Disaccharidase Deficiency”. Essentially, I have trouble digesting certain things. That statement isn’t a whole lot of help in and of itself, but it does give me a lot to research and test on my own. First, I must understand all foods that have Disaccharide’s. And if there are foods I can eat that don’t contain them, I need to start with those and eliminate any foods that have them so I can see if I feel better after doing that.

Next, I need to slowly introduce foods that may be a problem. For instance, yesterday I tried some Almond Milk and my body didn’t like that at all. I’ve spent the last 18 hours rocking and reeling from feeling nauseous and not sleeping. There is a STEEP price that I pay right now when I take in a food that my body doesn’t easily tolerate (or eat in a way that irritates my stomach and intestines). This morning, I had some organic oats and my nutrition shake and my body feels largely unaffected by that. Woo hoo, foods I can eat it appears :)

I’ve also been taking nutritional supplements – a lot of them over the last 10 days. I’m sure how I’m taking those could also be causing an issue. My goal here is to always eat a little bit of organic oats to get something in my stomach, and then to down my supplements. We’ll see if this has a positive affect on how I feel – or at least mitigates symptoms I’ve been having.

Last night was a tough one. I slept from 11 PM to 1 AM, and then was up from 1 AM to 5:45 AM. Insomnia at its finest :) But I refused to take any medication and just let it run its course. I did finally sleep for another couple hours, which I desperately needed. I can’t keep running off of adrenal’s (something I also need to research).

I’m going to beat this, whatever the hell it is and pass the knowledge I gain along. Rwwwwwaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me (Part 3)

Phew, last night was… intense. It’s the most nauseous I’ve felt since starting this journey of detoxing. I’m on day 7 of my detox now and for the next two days will be consuming bone broth, vegetables, and my nutrition shake with supplements. This next week is going to be intense I have a feeling.

I was able to do a light workout with my daughters yesterday and that was great. I was very happy to have the energy to do a few pushups and jog slowly around the condo. That was super fun! We ran around all the rooms for about 7 minutes like a train.

Today is going to be a day of rest. I’m going to drink broth, rest, drink water, and allow my body to rest and heal. Last night was not a very good night’s sleep. After getting two hours straight, I was up, off and on many different times.

Right now, I feel jittery, hot (with no fever), fatigued, nauseous, and have insomnia. This is simply the truth. I do believe that at some point, I will overcome all of this, but it’s very disruptive right now. Looking back, I may have eased into this more instead of going full all-in detox.

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me (Part 2)

I made it through the week at work! There was one day I missed work due to really high blood pressure, but that was Tuesday, and I felt a bit better after that. I’m continuing to eat pretty healthy and take my nutritional supplements. Time will tell if this works :)

I’m noticing that stress is a big part of my life – that and anxiety. I’m really trying to get these under control. I am really hard on myself and I also put a lot of pressure on myself to perform and meet expectations. I also worry about supporting my daughters and paying my mortgage. Just stuff to work on :)

Here was what I did yesterday:

  • Eating: 9/10 (Mostly vegetables and shake mix/supplements
  • Meditation: 10 minutes
  • Plank: 20 seconds
  • Pushups: 5
  • Jog the Length of My Condo: 2 times
  • Lunges (no weights): 12
  • Squats (no weights): 10
  • Calf raises (no weights): 20
  • Walk outside: 0 minutes

Here is what I did today:

  • Eating: 9/10 (Mostly vegetables and shake mix/supplements
  • Meditation: 0 minutes (have my daughters, meditation a bit harder :))
  • Plank: 0 seconds
  • Pushups: 0
  • Jog the Length of My Condo: 0 times
  • Lunges (no weights): 0
  • Squats (no weights): 11
  • Calf raises (no weights): 30
  • Walk outside: 20 minutes (3 laps around Ancestry building)

I really enjoyed my walk outside today. I got some sun and did 3 laps around the Ancestry building. I’m still having some major digestive challenges (bloating and discomfort), but working the best I can through them…

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me (Part 1)

I have a thermometer and a blood pressure machine in my condo. Doctor’s and hospitals carry these. Whenever you go into a hospital, they will ask you about your symptoms and then take your weight, blood pressure, and temperature. These are all things you can do at home…

With the issues I’ve got going on, another ER or Doctor visit isn’t going to do any good. I must now do all I can to get myself healthy. I must exercise – even if I don’t feel like it or it hurts. I must start small and then go further and further. This is how I will get my health back – through healthy eating and pushing myself just a bit more each and every day.

Here is day 1:

  • Eating: 9/10 (Mostly vegetables and shake mix/supplements
  • Meditation: 10 minutes
  • Plank: 20 seconds
  • Pushups: 5
  • Jog the Length of My Condo: 2 times
  • Lunges (no weights): 12
  • Squats (no weights): 10
  • Calf raises (no weights): 20
  • Walk outside: 0 minutes

Day 2 will seek to improve upon this, even if it is just one more pushup.