I’m laying in bed right now, typing on my laptop, which is on my blanket on my bed. My blanket is folded up so that my laptop is high enough that I can look at it without bending my neck forward. I’m here in my Orem, UT apartment, the same apartment I’ve been in since October of 2014. I’m laid out in bed at the moment, my lower back in major pain. Today at work, I had to stand the whole time. Something I did Monday night while asleep majorly affected my lower back.
When I first started this website of mine, over 6 years ago now, I was laying in bed in my then American Fork, UT home. I had just had back surgery to repair a ruptured disc in my spine and I was married at the time. I have a definite feeling of a return back to to the beginning for me right now, except this time, I’m alone in an apartment, but feel intense pain in my back.
This is one of those moments where I feel a lot of thoughts coming to my mind. At work today, I felt the stress of some deadlines looming for some important projects. I process stress internally now. My team members and those attending my meetings may not realize it, but I feel tremendous pressure to do a good job as a manager and leader for them. Outwardly, I keep a sense of calm and balance, but inside, today, my body felt wracked. I wore a back brace the entire day and will likely keep this up until either my back heals, or I have to have surgery again to deal with whatever has been injured.
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine at work today while out getting coffee. We were talking about reality and the many different views people have from god to no god to in-between to being in a simulation. I told him I am content with whatever reality is – even if there is nothing at all and life is meaningless, I am ok with that. And part of me wonders if that is the best way to think – to just be ok with things as they are. Why not form a belief about something and go hard with it?
I’ve adapted through what I believe to be evolution to life as it is right now. I have had to gravitate toward more of a Buddhist philosophy of detachment in order to survive. This philosophy of detachment saved my life when I as going through several difficult things in 2014. I can recall a few times in 2014 where I was contemplating ending my life. I don’t like to admit that publicly, but I was incredibly depressed for most of that year. I felt everything that I had put my whole life and soul into was ripped away from me and it was very disruptive to my entire being to feel that.
And that’s an interesting concept to me – putting my whole heart and soul in to something. I’m having to learn how to do that again. When you put your whole heart into something and it doesn’t work out, it’s a tough pill to swallow – that your very best for who you are wasn’t enough. But I like to look at that as simply a life lesson – a powerful one, how to keep going when you gave everything you had and it didn’t work out. How did I keep going when I found myself alone after being married 14 years? Just the will to do so and forging through some tough days.
I like being positive and optimistic about life. I think there’s so many cool things happening in the world from advances in medicine, space travel, technology power, and DNA, it’s all very exciting. I love to see what the potential in life is. But I’ve found a very healthy balance between that and looking reality dead in the eye. I’ve become a student of reality, being able to bypass my emotions as I emote to myself reality as it is. This is incredibly powerful and freeing. I’ve learned to see reality as it is without delusion AND be at peace with it.
What does that mean really? To be at peace with reality as it is? It means I know who I am and what I am capable of. It means with all the dates I’ve gone on, I know when there is interest and when there is not, regardless of what I might feel or want from someone. It means right now, I know my back is pretty fucked up. I accept that it is and I’m not fighting it. I accept reality whole-heartedly as it is right now, not wishing it to be any different than it is. I may have to have back surgery again. I’ve been there and done that and I’ll get through it just like I got through the last one over 6 years ago now.
That’s a fascinating thing to me – knowing I may have to have surgery on my back again and being ok with that. I feel something amiss with my back. It hurts like hell, even after taking Ibuprofen, an anti-inflammatory medicine. Perhaps I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will all be fine. That’d be great. But I’ve learned not to be delusional about reality :).
I breached the 100 date mark recently. I realize that I’m a bit crazy for doing that – dating over 100 unique women now. It’s completely insane the more I think about it. One date takes a lot of time, but 100? And a portion of those multiple times? I can’t believe I’ve done that, but it has taught me so many valuable lessons about myself, women, and life. I’m very grateful I’ve had the opportunity to do it.
I remember back in January, 2010, talking with Sam from FinancialSamurai.com and volunteering to help him with a website feature he was trying to create. I believe it was that selfless act that got me connected with him as a friend and I am so grateful I got to visit him last year in San Francisco. He’s one of the class acts of life that I see – someone adding high value to other people’s lives. I’m thankful to call him friend.
I’m thinking more about my own ability to really give my all to a situation without fear – to give everything I have without holding back. I’ve certainly held back since I’ve been on my own and this is an area for me to work on. Gosh, I have a lot of things I need to work on at age 38 here. I can’t believe I am 38 actually. I’ll be 39 in December. Soon, I’ll be 40. Wow. I’m happy to be in relatively good health even so.
Life is good. Life is hard. Life is unpredictable. Life is what you make it.