Stubborn Adults

I heard about Burning Man from a friend of mine and as I’ve researched it, one sculpture there spoke to me. As adults, we can get so stuck in our heads. We can become so prideful, resentful, and stubborn with each other. I know when I get like that, I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve always believed that children hold the key to our true nature and that we let ourselves get brainwashed and fucked over as adults.

I’m guilty of all of this. I very much so take my experiences and project that story onto future events and other people. It’s not right or fair. I want to go back to the child Jeremy who freely shared and explored and wasn’t worried about what other people might say or do. The Jeremy who played the Bard’s Tale 2 at 5 AM before Middle School because he was so enthralled with the world he was exploring… It’s so damn easy to see something and know that it is right, but much harder to take the action that it represents.

Burning Man is an event at the end of August. I’m going to do whatever I can to attend it this year – a feat that will require a miracle…

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A Golden Opportunity Presents Itself

When I was in New York, I had the opportunity to meet with a CEO of a startup company of 18 employees. How I got connected with him is a tale for another time, but what was great about meeting with him and his business partner is the energy he had. He’s running a website business he’s extremely passionate about and he’s already gotten millions of dollars of funding for his company. There’s a lot of growth potential for the company.

He’s offered me a job with a decent amount of equity. That equity has the potential to turn into millions of dollars over the next 5 to 7 years. The job I have been offered: CTO. It’s an interesting thing to me, to be thinking about what I would do if I were a CTO – see my LinkedIn post here, the people’s CTO – and then having an offer made to me that has the potential to be very lucrative. I could potentially retire by the time I’m 45 if all goes well.

I like my job right now where I work. I make decent money with good benefits and a small, small amount of equity in the company. It’s a pretty laid back company where I work, even though I feel great responsibility there. To accept this job is to become a CTO in a very high stress environment in the hustle and bustle of New York City. I would need to move to New York – in the middle of Manhattan, the very city I visited a couple weeks ago. I would be a CTO and lead the charge to help scale the people and technology of the business I’m being offered a job to.

I have two precious daughters here in Utah. Were I to take this opportunity, I would leave them behind here in Utah. I would likely only see them a few times a year – by flying out to Utah, or having them fly to me. I would Skype with them to talk to them. I’d still be responsible for child support, which would be even more difficult to pay in the very expensive New York City.

I honestly don’t know what to do here. I’m taking the weekend and am going to think very hard on it. By Sunday night, I will give the CEO of this company my answer. In the mean time, I’m laid out in my apartment with a bad back :) It will be interesting to see what unfolds with this, either way.

“Back” to the Beginning

I’m laying in bed right now, typing on my laptop, which is on my blanket on my bed. My blanket is folded up so that my laptop is high enough that I can look at it without bending my neck forward. I’m here in my Orem, UT apartment, the same apartment I’ve been in since October of 2014. I’m laid out in bed at the moment, my lower back in major pain. Today at work, I had to stand the whole time. Something I did Monday night while asleep majorly affected my lower back.

When I first started this website of mine, over 6 years ago now, I was laying in bed in my then American Fork, UT home. I had just had back surgery to repair a ruptured disc in my spine and I was married at the time. I have a definite feeling of a return back to to the beginning for me right now, except this time, I’m alone in an apartment, but feel intense pain in my back.

This is one of those moments where I feel a lot of thoughts coming to my mind. At work today, I felt the stress of some deadlines looming for some important projects. I process stress internally now. My team members and those attending my meetings may not realize it, but I feel tremendous pressure to do a good job as a manager and leader for them. Outwardly, I keep a sense of calm and balance, but inside, today, my body felt wracked. I wore a back brace the entire day and will likely keep this up until either my back heals, or I have to have surgery again to deal with whatever has been injured.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine at work today while out getting coffee. We were talking about reality and the many different views people have from god to no god to in-between to being in a simulation. I told him I am content with whatever reality is – even if there is nothing at all and life is meaningless, I am ok with that. And part of me wonders if that is the best way to think – to just be ok with things as they are. Why not form a belief about something and go hard with it?

I’ve adapted through what I believe to be evolution to life as it is right now. I have had to gravitate toward more of a Buddhist philosophy of detachment in order to survive. This philosophy of detachment saved my life when I as going through several difficult things in 2014. I can recall a few times in 2014 where I was contemplating ending my life. I don’t like to admit that publicly, but I was incredibly depressed for most of that year. I felt everything that I had put my whole life and soul into was ripped away from me and it was very disruptive to my entire being to feel that.

And that’s an interesting concept to me – putting my whole heart and soul in to something. I’m having to learn how to do that again. When you put your whole heart into something and it doesn’t work out, it’s a tough pill to swallow – that your very best for who you are wasn’t enough. But I like to look at that as simply a life lesson – a powerful one, how to keep going when you gave everything you had and it didn’t work out. How did I keep going when I found myself alone after being married 14 years? Just the will to do so and forging through some tough days.

I like being positive and optimistic about life. I think there’s so many cool things happening in the world from advances in medicine, space travel, technology power, and DNA, it’s all very exciting. I love to see what the potential in life is. But I’ve found a very healthy balance between that and looking reality dead in the eye. I’ve become a student of reality, being able to bypass my emotions as I emote to myself reality as it is. This is incredibly powerful and freeing. I’ve learned to see reality as it is without delusion AND be at peace with it.

What does that mean really? To be at peace with reality as it is? It means I know who I am and what I am capable of. It means with all the dates I’ve gone on, I know when there is interest and when there is not, regardless of what I might feel or want from someone. It means right now, I know my back is pretty fucked up. I accept that it is and I’m not fighting it. I accept reality whole-heartedly as it is right now, not wishing it to be any different than it is. I may have to have back surgery again. I’ve been there and done that and I’ll get through it just like I got through the last one over 6 years ago now.

That’s a fascinating thing to me – knowing I may have to have surgery on my back again and being ok with that. I feel something amiss with my back. It hurts like hell, even after taking Ibuprofen, an anti-inflammatory medicine. Perhaps I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will all be fine. That’d be great. But I’ve learned not to be delusional about reality :).

I breached the 100 date mark recently. I realize that I’m a bit crazy for doing that – dating over 100 unique women now. It’s completely insane the more I think about it. One date takes a lot of time, but 100? And a portion of those multiple times? I can’t believe I’ve done that, but it has taught me so many valuable lessons about myself, women, and life. I’m very grateful I’ve had the opportunity to do it.

I remember back in January, 2010, talking with Sam from FinancialSamurai.com and volunteering to help him with a website feature he was trying to create. I believe it was that selfless act that got me connected with him as a friend and I am so grateful I got to visit him last year in San Francisco. He’s one of the class acts of life that I see – someone adding high value to other people’s lives. I’m thankful to call him friend.

I’m thinking more about my own ability to really give my all to a situation without fear – to give everything I have without holding back. I’ve certainly held back since I’ve been on my own and this is an area for me to work on. Gosh, I have a lot of things I need to work on at age 38 here. I can’t believe I am 38 actually. I’ll be 39 in December. Soon, I’ll be 40. Wow. I’m happy to be in relatively good health even so.

Life is good. Life is hard. Life is unpredictable. Life is what you make it.

The Vulnerability of My Writing

I’ve been battling a nasty flu for the last several days, up late at night, coughing, and feeling restless. This has been a good time for me to reflect again, which I love doing. I feel at peace with this sickness, allowing myself to feel it, while trying to do what I can to have it get healed. Back in December of 2014, I wrote about a major battle with influenza I had then. This battle is very similar, forcing me to face myself :).

Here’s a video of me that I just took while I am sick. It’s a chance for you to see me not feeling well and to be vulnerable in front of you.

I was recently talking about my writings with someone who wants to read and understand what I’ve been writing about, particularly in the last couple years. One post I wrote, about three months ago, was some very deep self reflection. I just reread that article and it’s so interesting to see how I was feeling at that time just three short months ago. It was very raw, real, and how I felt at that time.

Each one of my articles is like a little stepping stone. The one from three months ago where I did some deep reflection is one of those stones. These days, I don’t think like I did in that past article. I’m very forgiving of myself now. I’m my own personal cheerleader. I value my worth and experience. I know I have a grand tale to tell and a gift for others. I’m much less hard on myself, more giving, and more relaxed and free from outcomes.

Some of my past articles might be a little cringe-worthy, but I accept them as they are for the path I’ve been on. Could they be considered a little embarrassing? Yep, but I bare it all because I want to authentically show my journey here without any filter. The pain and growth of tears was one such article, written a year and a half ago. I took a picture of myself just after crying my eyes out.

Recently, I wrote about a rebirth I went through. It was the culmination of many years of work on myself. Each experience you have in your life can be a blessing if you will use it as a means to become a better version of yourself. When this process goes on for years, the results are what I experienced – a rebirth.

I remember it all starting, back in March of 2014, howling in my car. I didn’t know how I was going to pull out of that, but somehow through sheer force of will, I did :). That caused me to face an experience very personal to me regarding what some would call a twin flame when I wrote, the power of the twin flame. I gained the peace I was looking for from that experience about a month ago and am so grateful for all I’ve learned through it. I wouldn’t trade the lessons and blessings for anything. I truly am very lucky.

It takes courage to write vulnerably and publicly about your life and what is going on. I do it for all to see and you may judge or not judge me as you see fit. Namaste, seeker.

Rise and Grind

A new habit I am installing effectively immediately is arising at 5:30 AM every day. To get up, meditate, and go hit the gym and work on special projects – every day. My body and soul is compelling me to do this as part of my transformation out of the cocoon. Early to bed, early to rise – do it because of the powerful person it will make out of you.

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Transformation

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Transformation is a beautiful thing. You might not notice your transformation until one day it hits you and you feel it. You feel a new-found power and energy. You know you have become what you set out to be. You know your transformation will occur soon when you feel a surge of energy and confidence within you and an inner peace of reality as it is.

Early Release of 50 Dates to Be Great

I’ve got my book out on Amazon right now. It was much easier to release the book than last time. I just uploaded my Word document, filled out some web forms, and bam, I’ve got my second book published. There’s still some work to do over the next couple weeks, namely:

  • Get a real book cover with my picture on it
  • Continue to do edits
  • Make a clickable table of contents
  • Assign an ISBN (in case I want to go paperback)

I’m very happy with how it’s turning out. There’s some personal, raw, and mistake-making in it as well as some successes and friendships that I have to this day. I cannot say enough good about dating and the growth it causes if you’ll use it as a learning experience to grow stronger and more centered as a person.

Here’s a screenshot of it on Amazon (LINK):

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Chasing 38

I’ve got my girls this weekend (woo hoo). And they are asleep and now I’m on my computer reflecting and thinking. I’m going to be 38 years of age in just over a week. It’s another year written to the book of my life. When the end of the year hits, I’ll do a year end review, but there’s some thoughts swirling around that I think are worth sharing now.

The older I get, the more I see life as a play and all of us humans as participants in this play, largely being who we are without much say in how the play unfolds unless we do significant work and develop self awareness. I’ve seen this over and over with myself, how my habits largely dictate the course of my life.

Tonight, my girls and I ordered a pizza. It’s a habit that we’ve built up that the Friday they stay over, we order one pizza from Domino’s. When they come over, they like to go on their computers. Sienna likes to play Animal Jam and Ellie likes to watch YouTube videos. I can see my girls liking this routine to do that when they come over and it bringing them a sense of comfort and certainty.

For myself, I see what my habits are at this time. When I go shopping, I buy avocados, watermelon, pineapple, salad, salad toppings & dressing, almond milk, cashew milk, and almond chocolate milk. I’ll also buy a can of salt and vinegar Pringles because those are really good!

When my kids are here, I take them shopping on Saturday and I push them around Walmart in the cart really fast. It’s a lot of fun and I do it to show people that it’s OK to be silly and do things out of what is normal. Occasionally someone might look at us and smile, but overall, most people are just paying attention to themselves and their own life and you can do some pretty ridiculous things, but people generally won’t take note. Here’s a short video of that adventure.

Try it sometime. I’m getting older, yet I find myself still acting like a kid. I’m just waiting to see another dad in Wal Mart running around with his kids in the cart, but usually, if there are parents with their kids, they are telling their kids to be quiet. I don’t quite get it… Have fun with your kids and show them that life is fun. Run around the store with them and have a good time.

Anyhow, at work, I’m being stretched, but I like it. I got offered a new position a couple months ago with more responsibility because apparently, I must be doing something right. I now have 11 people reporting to me across a multitude of projects. I feel like I’m just treading water and running around with my head cut off, but this is good and helps me know that I am on a growth path at work right now. I don’t feel very in control of anything and that is good. It’s how you know you’re doing something worthwhile.

I’ve thought about my death bed tonight. What do I want to feel if and when I should be close to my death. I don’t want to feel like I didn’t go after the things I wanted. I don’t want to feel like I was too afraid to go for it. I feel like I am living my life in this way in some small part. But I am restless. I feel there is so much more for me to experience and do. But, life is good and I’m very fortunate to be where I’m at and to be me.

Your quest: Do something a little fun and crazy like running around WalMart. Live without regrets.

Scare Tactics

I got a call with a voice message left on my work phone this morning. Here’s a screenshot from the message:

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I did some research online about the phone number there. The most logical conclusion to me is that this is from some scammers from overseas, possibly Pakistan or somewhere else – who knows the location for sure. But the conclusion I come to is that someone is trying to use a scare tactic – induce fear, in order to get money or some kind of gain. Notice the broken English in the text. Whoever sent this can’t even speak properly – that’s a dead giveaway that this is someone who doesn’t know English very well.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me. Last year, someone tried to use Social Engineering and Blackmail on me to get me to pay money. I blocked them and will never respond to someone doing that. They can defame me as much as they want, but I’ll never give in to such ridiculous and low vibration demands. The response to any scare tactic is simple – completely block and reject anyone using it on you and who gives a damn if they take any time to smudge your image. It doesn’t matter.

Using scare tactics or blackmail is one of the lowest forms of treatment I can think of. It’s a way to extract by not giving any value, but by trying to take value away from someone else. It’s like going to the store and being paid to buy groceries. Getting by extracting value or resources is akin to a leech or tick sucking your blood and giving you a disease in turn. This is what a scare tactic is – a low form of vibration, interaction and anyone who resorts to using it should be eliminated from the gene pool of the human race for their preposterous behavior.

An exception to this rule of value extraction without giving anything in return – a tiny baby who can’t do anything for itself.

To anyone who uses scare tactics, my response is very simple. Off with you and you will never get a response from me.

Thoughts About My Lost Cat

Here’s some thoughts of mine about my lost cat. It’s really a lesson to me to apply all the wonderful things I’ve learned over the last year. How to love, yet be detached. How to mourn yet be strong. To feel and continue to push forward in my life. Wherever you are, Dido, I wish you well.