Day 2 Getting Out of Rock Bottom (Knowing Others Pain)

Inner Struggles This is my 2nd day of getting myself out of rock bottom. It is ironic that Robin Williams passed away yesterday – one of my favorite actors and an influence to me through his superb portrayal of a psychologist in the movie, Good Will Hunting. Supposedly, he died due to suicide. I can only imagine if this is true, what he was thinking before he did this to himself. What pain was he feeling? It makes me much more sympathetic to everyone around me now. I don’t know what deep struggles they are facing. Of course I have what is a deep pain I am going through, but who cares what I am going through – I look at other people now and feel for them. I KNOW that there are others feeling pain, no matter what is seen on the surface…

By the way, you can’t do anything to help me, whoever you are reading this. I have to figure this out on my own. It’s part of my life journey that I’m going through. The only way is for me to get through it, stronger on the other side. The best thing you can do is send me positive thoughts in your prayers, meditation, or however you send people love.

I went to bed at about 10:30 PM last night, though was restless until about 12:30 AM. This made getting up at 6:00 AM very difficult and I managed to finally wriggle out of bed at 6:45 AM. I woke up a couple times again last night with the same symptoms of dry mouth and heart pounding that I’ve had in the past. The best way I can describe this is like the movie Superman. In it, Clark Kent has a crystal from his father that ‘calls’ to him. I feel like this is happening to me right now, but it doesn’t make any sense – because what is calling me? I have ideas for this, but none of them make sense to me now, unless my senses aren’t properly picking up signals. Perhaps I need to ramp up my positive vibration to really understand the source of this.

Superman Crystal

I tried to meditate/give thanks again this morning and again, my mind was a miss mash of stuff, ranging from extreme sadness and longing for home, to how am I going to be here for Heidi and my girls, to what is really going to happen where I work, to I really need to reinvent myself and build up a side income. Let me talk about a few of these. Rock Bottom for me is very much about having and losing the most intense connection of my life. It’s like losing half of my soul. I still have my health, family, and job, although, I don’t know how long each of those will last. Life is short and anything can happen.

The Missing

The missing I’d describe as the other half of my soul has ripped itself apart and I feel only like a partial person right now. I feel like there’s a big hole in my gut and heart trying to heal itself. Perhaps my journey now is to learn to overcome this, but again, everyone I’ve talked to knows this kind of situation is unique. You don’t just follow the typical pattern of knowing someone, disconnecting, and finally just moving on with your life. This situation has a spiritual cord and intense bond attached and you don’t just move on with your life easily. I’m still trying to find answers here.

My Family

There’s definitely a different operating agreement with Heidi right now. Most of the time, a married couple will interact like a married couple and do things. But there’s a sort of physical and mental wall between us in regards to some things. It’s not a source of friction, mind you, but I do believe that there’s the chance that there’s a permanent change in our relationship. I’m focusing on giving back and helping out her and the girls as best I can and only time will tell what the end result is here.

My Job

It’s kind of interesting to hear people talk where I work. Our company has been a golden goose for a long time – a cash cow generating good business. However, people at the top have seen dollar signs in their eyes and made some decisions that might lead to this golden goose being gutted and its organs being sold on the black market – to use a metaphor. That means in a few years, the company could be just a shadow of itself. Anyone who has left the company has probably made a good decision, however, my job still remains intact and we’ll see what the future holds.

Reinventing Myself

The reinventing myself part comes because there is enough writing on the wall that in a few years or so, there’s a chance the company I work for will be shadow of itself. I’ve already done a truck load of things, none of which have ever sky-rocketed, but through those things, I’ve built up some skills. I can see myself writing e-books and selling them, doing seminars – particularly about the connection I discovered, and doing more software. I continue to think about this one and will probably undertake a new project in the next few days. Here are a few ideas of mine.

  • E-book about HTML
  • E-book about Javascript
  • E-book about CSS
  • E-book about Programming
  • E-book about C# Programming
  • E-book about PHP
  • E-book about the Internet
  • E-book about the computer
  • E-book about basketball
  • E-book about relationships
  • E-book about twin soul connections

Lots of E-books are coming to mind. I imagine I could do 99 cent e-books on all of these and make them pretty good. It would at least get my creative juices going.

Feeling Others Pain

Mostly, I just feel others pain a lot more intense right now. I feel the one on the other side of the invisible cord’s pain and know that it is not one-sided, even if they were to deny it. I feel my own pain and acknowledge it. To be disconnected from entirely by someone you care about is tough. But somehow, you must find a way to move forward. I feel the pain when my two girls are having a hard time with something. I feel the pain of my family members who worry about me. I feel Heidi’s pain as her life has been disrupted by me.

I will do better to accommodate others and understand their pain. You just don’t know what someone is going through and anything you say or do could devastate them to the point even of suicide. Live with truth, love, and courage…

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