Knowing the Good of Who You Are

I’ve been listening to the Superman movie soundtrack over and over today. As I drove to work, I listened to it. As I worked, I listened to it. As I drove home from work, I listened to it. As I write now, I listen to it. I never tire of listening to the same music over and over. I’ll listen to the Superman soundtrack 100,000 times if I have to. Today, I am feeling resolve to get up, dust myself off, recognize my mistakes, failures, and to get to work.

I’ve thought today a lot about myself – much introspection. It’s something I recommend every human being do. Really think honestly about who you are. When I did this, I quickly recognized the negative things about myself. Some of them are:

  • I am selfish – That’s easy to see. I sit here and write about myself practically every day. I don’t want to feel down or sad or like a failure. I want things for myself in my life and often times do stupid shit to try and get them.
  • I am compulsive – I will make decisions without thinking and then after the decision think to myself, “What the fuck did I just do?” I know this all too well from the last week and man, these decisions can be costly – like life altering costly, sorry, you can’t go back and do that over costly.
  • I am narcissistic – I care about how my body looks and how I feel. I want to look fit and handsome. This makes me narcissistic in my view.
  • I am insensitive – I often don’t listen well to other people, even though I’ve written several articles about listening to others. But hey, life is a journey and we don’t become perfect instantly.

But I dug deep and really thought about myself and the good in me, the value in me, the things I’ve accomplished and the fact that after all of this, I’m still giving it a go each day and trying my best. I believe in myself and that I am a worthwhile person. Each of you reading should do the same and list to yourself or publicly what makes you awesome. This doesn’t make you cocky or arrogant, so long as you do it from a place of true understanding and not delusion. Here’s what I value about myself:

  • I’m still trying to be a good husband and father – Even if Heidi decides she’s had enough of me, I take heart in knowing that I’m giving a good effort toward her and the two kids. I didn’t walk out on them earlier in the year or beyond when I felt the strong pull to do so. Whatever happens here, I hope I can be a good father and friend to Heidi always in the future.
  • I’m intelligent – I take pride in having a command of life, situations, and the thoughts and actions of people. It doesn’t mean I know everything – like this past week, I just feel like my mind doesn’t have the ability to process it and I just need to take it like a man. But I am curious and I think curiosity gives rise to intelligence as more and more is learned.
  • I’m physically fit and active – I take pride in exercising, running, and keeping my body in as good an anti-aging state as can be done. My goal is to live to at least 200 years old after all, and I decided that nearly 4 years ago.
  • I’m an avid writer – I love writing. I wrote a frickin’ book! Not only that, I need to and am compelled to write. With the energy I have and all the raw emotion I am feeling I have no choice to write. If I don’t write right now, I will surely die. The good news is that you are seeing me in a high state of raw energy, passion, and fighting through the most intense experience of my life.
  • I’ve made many creations – I made a frickin’ game! I loved making Tower of Eglathia. It was great to hire a graphics guy and program it. I take pride in that I fucking finished making this game and didn’t just talk about it.
  • I’m passionate – Yeah, who isn’t passionate? I’m up to writing two articles a day now and who knows, maybe that will become 3 soon. I have so much flowing through my mind and I am determined to make it through what I am going through. Everything I do, I do it with no regrets. Even when I make compulsively stupid decisions, I still am doing them passionately and honestly and have no regrets.
  • I’m successful in my career – I’m acting as a director at work. Sure, the company may fold one day. But I can’t accept ever again being a simple peon at work. I will lead people or I will go hungry on the street.
  • I appreciate life and people – I really appreciate life and people. I appreciate EVERYTHING about people, even the shit I can’t wrap my head around. I am fascinated by people, and it is a life long quest of mine to help people in their lives by whatever means I can provide.

This is just a short list for myself. You can do this easily for yourself. What are you good at? What makes you unique? What do you work hard at? This is an exercise in ego, but it’s worth doing – especially when you feel so down in the dumps and crappy that you need something – anything to brighten up your day.

I don’t know who reads the stuff I write… But I write anyway. I write in the hopes that one person will read all of this and that their life will be changed for good.

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