I Found a Crossroads and Made a Choice

Two RoadsI found myself at a crossroads today while mowing the lawn. Of all places to be having a crossroads in the mind, why mowing the lawn? Beats me, that’s just what happened to me though. And by the way, the grass was quite unruly. I was mowing and the grass was a little more than the mower could handle, so I had to rock the mower up and down while pushing it forward so it wouldn’t shut off. Even by doing this, there were 4 times I had to restart the mower because it wasn’t powerful enough to keep going over a dense patch of tall grass.

With the recent news of Robin Williams suicide, I realized that suicide is an option for anyone in life… It’s kind of surreal when you think about it. There’s no guiding hand that will slap you silly if you think about or attempt suicide. It really is a choice you can make at any time. I feel much sadness for anyone who feels sad enough or facing too much in their life that they are thinking about ending their life. I know because suicide has crossed my own mind recently. Things have gotten pretty hellish deep in my soul – it just is.

So what do you do when you are facing something extraordinarily tough? I think you have two options and I quote from the movie, “Shawshank Redemption.” Andy and Red – two best friends in a prison are talking. What Andy tells Red is how I feel right now.

Get busy living or get busy dying

I actually wrestled with this thought. Is my life over with the events I’ve recently experienced? Am I a crumpled mass? I don’t know the answer to those, but I do know this – I choose to get busy living. For whatever that is worth, for whoever I will help touch in their life, that’s what I’m choosing to do. If I feel afraid, I will feel afraid. If I feel tears I will let them flow. If I feel regret, I will soak it in. If I feel happy, I will laugh. If I fail, I will do so with my best effort.

How Long Did My Rock Bottom Last?

My own personal rock bottom lasted 6 days. Then I realized I could make a choice to not put myself there. I focused on acceptance for what happened and even though I haven’t been able to remove the sadness – it is less because I focus on living life and sending out love and care. Your own personal rock bottom will last as long as it needs to for you. But at some point, if you want out, you must do the work to live life and control your mind.

That is my choice today – to get busy living. And that means my thoughts and actions will be geared toward that.

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