Oscillating Back and Forth

It’s really interesting to watch things in action right now, especially my thought process. It’s a good thing nobody can read minds because let me tell you, mine is going to burst right outside of my head. As I think about the future, it is like a light darting back and forth and I am unable to feel firmness and permanency with decisions.

I made the decision not to move out, even after getting an apartment, paying for it, and having supplies ready to go. I really feel like I made a good decision not to do it – for my wife and kids. I have two young girls. Certainly they could use having their daddy around. Certainly Heidi is a kind and wonderful soul. But I pride myself in being honest and I still feel like I have not fully figured out exactly what the right thing to do is.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to find another apartment – even I can’t take the back and forth with this such that I am going to hold off on any of that. Remember how I wrote about how to be a real man¬†and make firm decisions and commitments? I told you I’m not quite there yet. I’m really trying though, but walk a day in my shoes and then get back to me on it if you doubt me :). Really, I’m just trying to describe to you how I feel more than anything else. It’s sort of like this guy here:

pulled_different_directions

It’s like being pulled to take care of my family here and the good people that they are. And then there is the pull within my soul. It is unlike anything I have ever felt. It is there, strong, and I realize that it is a permanent part of me. I will carry the soul pull for me for as long as I exist. What do you do when you have a good family, but know that your soul is being called out as well? I’ll be damned if I know at this point…

I’ve written about my family in the past. Heidi is a kind and loving person and I have two amazing daughters who are smart and as happy as anybody I’ve seen. Mostly, I am just trying to write and share what’s going on with me with all of you because it takes some measure of courage to open up myself and be vulnerable to the world like this. It’s a free country and I choose to share what’s going on inside the inner onion layers that make up me.

My soul awakened this year. I look at myself as having two moments in my life that were pivotal from a consciousness perspective. The first is when I almost drowned when I was 4 years old and was yanked out of the pool by someone. And the second is when nearly a couple years ago, I felt a second awakening, which intensified this year and I’ll never be the same… It is the feeling of knowing what home or coming home is, if that makes sense.

So why the oscillation back and forth? I’m a man, can’t I just make a firm decision and stop beating around the frickin’ bush? The answer is no, I cannot. Not right now. I have not yet grown in strength and fortitude such that I can really choose, except to stay with my family and do the best I can with them and give them my love and care such that it is. I wish I could convey what is going on in my head, but I’m afraid most of you will think I’m just crazy and should see a therapist.

But I assure you I am not crazy – that if you come into a moment in your life where you feel yourself like you have come home – and in that situation, you will know that your life will never be the same. And I happily share this as it is – this is what matters the most to me in my life. It’s not the money, the promotions, the technology. It is the deep feelings in my soul and they are so strong that I feel like I’m going to burst any moment – from warmth, love, care, and a deep respect for the soul awakening I’ve had and what caused it.

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