There’s some quiet reality setting in as I sit here, alone, at 12:01 AM on a Friday night – well, Saturday morning now :). I want to share some things – some personal thoughts of mine, and even share some pictures with you from my past as I talk about the things I am thinking and feeling right now.
I’m in my apartment and all the lights are off, except my laptop computer and the extra monitor I have. I’m listening to music, Stones from Ultima, as it is one of my childhood favorite pieces of music from a role playing computer game series that is one of the best ever.
Being alone was something I took the plunge to do in October of last year (2014). I made the decision to amicably divorce my then wife, Heidi. I spent much of 2014 oscillating on that decision, wondering if it was the right thing to do. Ultimately, I made the decision because I believed Heidi would be able to find someone who could more accurately align with her long term goals and values. It was a very hard decision, but I feel, the right one.
Flying solo after being married 14 years
This picture represents the memories I had as a family unit (a couple years ago family picture), whereas I am flying solo now, but still getting to see my kids as Heidi and I work well together and are still great friends. Heidi and these two girls are wonderful people.
On my own, now what?
So, what do I hope to accomplish by being on my own? I’ve written about some of the adventures I’ve taken in the last 6 months – trips to San Francisco, and Tinder and meeting people. I admit, I’m an amateur when it comes to dating and I’ve listened to advice from every different perspective about how to date – from being indifferent and aloof, to pursuing aggressively, to in-between.
I’ve personally decided that I’m going to just be authentic with those I interact with and if I feel like reaching out or want something, I will communicate that. If there isn’t reciprocation, I walk away and if me being authentic doesn’t work for someone, then that situation won’t work out anyway.
As I wrote about last article, I removed myself from the world of dating as there are a few people that I am now acquainted with that I think have some potential and we’ll see if anything happens there. Regardless, I’ve come to terms that I may be alone for the rest of my life and if that is indeed how it ends up, I accept it :).
So it seems that getting out on my own and dating a bunch was part of what I needed to experience. And I feel like I’ve done that with some really positive experiences as well as some learning about myself and where I have weaknesses and areas to hull up.
I think self discovery is at the heart of what I hope to understand as I am out on my own. It’s very interesting to me, to live in a basement apartment here in Orem, UT, pay rent, but I work a very high end job in tech as a manager. This is due to the financial responsibility I have to Heidi and my two girls. I take this responsibility seriously as I love being a dad and my kids and family unit, such as it is, still matter to me.
I was at work today at my desk thinking about being on my own and interacting with my team. They don’t know it, but I feel like I am the most inadequate manager in the world. I know this isn’t true, but I feel at this time in my life, I lack some assertiveness and passion that could help better serve our team.
I think passion is a great source of fuel and energy for us as humans as we live our lives. I confess, that at times, I lack passion. I’ve felt it even while interacting with some very beautiful women that most guys would get googly eyed for. There certainly seems to be something missing there, or perhaps it is me just getting older. I’ll be 38 in December, so age may finally be starting to creep up on me.
Learning about others
I’ve learned quite a bit about other people by being out on my own as well. There are a lot of people who are divorced in this world! And each situation is unique. Most divorced because of some serious problems. I feel fortunate that my situation isn’t like that. However, some of these serious problems are real burdens for people – emotionally and financially. I feel the pain of others and their difficult situations and I wish there was more I could do.
I’ve learned that people just want to be listened to and understood. Often times, I’m a bit selfish here and want to tell people what I want to say. However, as I converse with people, the majority of the time, they want to talk and share what is on their mind. I notice it in conversations too – where there are multiple people – each is vying for a turn to say what is on their mind rather than listening to what someone said and driving discussion around that.
I noticed that at work today – two people talking and each would say something and the other was ready to jump in with what they wanted to say. I don’t call this good or bad, but just a natural tendency of people to want to express what they want instead of taking what someone else said and understanding that better.
Learning about women and human interaction
To dive into this a little further, I’ve learned some things about women and human interaction (as I’ve dated over 40 now). Yes, it’s a lot… But that is what I needed to do. These are the things I’ve learned:
- A lot of women (and men) are on Tinder because they need a rebound from a previous relationship.
- What someone does over time is far more important than the words they speak right now.
- If she doesn’t like you to begin with, there’s not much more you can do but walk away.
- She may really like you at first, but then distance herself. In this case, you must do the same.
- Stating clearly what you want and feel is important – be authentic.
- Be willing to walk away and never look back at any time if she isn’t reciprocating or responding.
- Women’s feelings can and will change a lot – from hot to cold. You must be a rock solid mountain against this and a source of strength.
- Be playful, fun, and charming. Interaction with women should be fun. I’ve got a lot to learn on this one still.
I’m an amateur when it comes to women still as I’ve had many failings in the last 6 months, even with women who have liked me at first. Part of my journey of self discovery and learning has been coming to terms with this – that I’m just another guy like any other and that not all women are interested in me – yet I know my quality and worth – I’m quite the catch.
Why is this important to me? Because I’ve felt deep connection before in my life and there is no substitute for it.
Pondering the future
So, what does the future hold for me? I think that’s a fascinating question. I don’t know, but I think it will involve adventure, self discovery, more failures with my entrepreneurial endeavors and women – as well as successes in these areas too. I’m still young and have a lot of life to live.
Moving forward, I will continue to guard my mind and thoughts and move forward with happy energy regardless of the outcomes. I look forward to sharing with you the results of these adventures and the new things I learn.
- What Makes You Authentic?
- The Hard Decision Is Often Best
- Being Powerfully Authentic
- Moving Out On My Own
- How To Understand a Woman