Loving Yourself

I recently wrote a journal entry to myself while at work. From time to time, as I am inspired, I will write to myself to share the thoughts I think important. In this case, I wrote about self love. This seems to be the current theme in my life right now. I’ve struggled for most of my life with self love. I’ve felt unworthy or incapable of doing or accomplishing the things that really interest me. I’ve made it a habit to focus on self love and in particular the dialogue I have with myself.

I’ve been trying to determine where my self love issues come from. Ever since my first memory, I remember struggling with confidence and being shy and timid. I’ve been afraid to be bold, go for it, and take risks. My current theory is that at a young age, my father yelled at me and caused me physical harm if I did anything too out of the ordinary. I remember being petrified of him as a child, wondering if he was going to blow up at me at any moment. He was always like a volcano, ready to erupt.

That seems to be the root of my self love challenge. It stems from having it drilled in to me to shutup, be quiet, and being told I am stupid. These aren’t the most fun memories to have as a child, but I think it’s important to just see the reality as it is. I was programmed to be the way I was at a young age. I’ve been working my adult life to undo this programming. I’m making progress :)

Lately, I am realizing that I am my own biggest advocate. I am my own biggest cheer leader. I must rally myself. I must inspire myself. Only I can do this. There’s a great saying: if it is to be, it is up to me. I think this applies here. I’ve had some challenges. I made a bold decision to go out on my own. I think that was the first step in self love actually. To make a brave decision and support myself in my brave new adventure.

I continually hug myself and tell myself how brave I am. I am starting to treat myself the way I’d want my best friend, love, confidant, you name it, to treat me.

The Sound of Silence

There’s a video of a song I really like, sung by Disturbed. They sing, “Sound of Silence” as a cover for the original version sung by Simon and Garfunkle. Here’s the song sung on the late night show with Conan O’Brien:

This song means to me two things: that in life, we will continue to experience the same mistakes and pain – the same darkness, until we face the demon that is that darkness head on and defeat it. It’s facing your biggest fear and pain head on and it’s scary to do.

The second part of the song is the sound of silence. I believe each person is thinking many different things in their minds all the time – ideas, things they’d like to share, things they’d like to tell another person, but it all becomes unsaid or unwritten and is left to dust and never becomes a part of humanity.

This song is a powerful message about facing fear and speaking your truth – which is why a blog is so wonderful. It gives me a voice to emote my truth. There’s tons I’d like to say to other people, but I still have fears there. I’m working on being fully authentic – it’s a quest of mine right now to fully embrace what I think and feel without worrying what might come back or a response is.

I’m off to listen to this song a few more times. The guy here has an amazing voice and vocal range. I feel gratitude for this journey of life and what I’m learning.

Wrapping Up If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me

One of the nice things writing my series, about taking charge of my health, has done for me has put me in a frame of mind to live in a way that is healthy and taking me in a direction that will help me heal from what is going on. At this point in time, I’m not completely healed, but I have made a lot of progress since that first article where I really felt like I was dying.

I remember about a month ago… I felt like I was going to die. I walked up a couple of stairs and had to stop. I was very close to calling a paramedic and having them come get me. Instead, I took a few minutes and caught my breath and then finished the stairs.

It’s interesting what goes through your mind when you feel like you are going to die. I immediately thought of my daughters. I thought about making sure I had a living will so they would be taken care of if I die. I thought about everything that had happened to my life up until that point. This was VERY recent.

I’m continuing to learn as I make changes in my life. I’ve learned to love organic foods, salads. I love making organic eggs with cocunut oil, olive oil, and salt and pepper. It’s yummy. I appreciate a good salmon now, also with cocunut oil and olive oil with salt and pepper. I’m learning more about digestion and what some of the problems can be with it.

I’ve improved in many of my symptoms. I still have more work to do and challenges to solve. I still have more undigested food than I would like in my poop. I’m on my second day of taking diatomaceous earth. This substance really helps clean out your colon like a sweeper with a scrubber. It may even help remove unwanted parasites from my insides if I have them. This morning, I did quite a lot of emptying of my colon from poop and the poop looked pretty good – long and S shaped.

I would never have thought I would become a student of poop. It’s amazing what sickness and pain will do to a person though. I’m driven to figure this condition of mine out and it largely seems that I must live a very healthy lifestyle to heal my insides and get over this. I’m NOT INTERESTED in going under any more surgeries…

I’m wrapping up this series of articles because I am now in the habit of preparing my food, eating healthy, and focusing on my health. This past Saturday, I went to play basketball outside! It was sunny, 50 degrees, and I just took off my shirt and played. I loved it! I’ll write more as I continue to learn about my health in the hopes that it might help any who have been struggling. So far, the answer has been discipline, healthy eating, taking supplements, and focusing on gratitude.

Speaking of gratitude, I’ve been focusing on gratitude for my self. I’m grateful to be me. I’m grateful for the talents and gifts I have. I’m grateful for the resolve to fight through and overcome my challenges. I’m grateful for my two amazing daughters. I’m grateful for my condo and cats. I’m grateful that I have the opportunities at work that I do. I’m grateful to be alive and continue to do the best I can to improve myself and contribute to this world.

If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me (Part 6) – What It Takes To Be Healthy

Well this journey of regaining my health is an interesting one. One of the biggest things I’ve learned about it is that right now, if I sneak even a little bit of non organic, or non natural food, my body gets very angry with me. I tested this theory by trying some veggie straws a couple days ago. It did not sit well with my body :). Yesterday, I started 100% organic and natural foods. Before I’d say I was doing about 80%, but it’s clear only 100% will suffice.

I can feel my body getting cleaned out… I’m not sure how much more there is to clean out. It might take a few more months or a few more years. Regardless of how much time it takes, this new lifestyle of mine is now permanent. I now eat leafy green vegetables, organic everything, and stay away from boxed, bagged, and processed foods.

In early December of last year, my body really got slammed. In the last 3 weeks since I’ve started eating healthy, I can look at my symptoms and see things starting to improve. Here’s a list of the symptoms I’ve been having:

  • Fatigue
  • Nausea
  • Lack of appetite
  • Abdominal pain
  • Constipation
  • Brain fog (difficulty concentrating)
  • Insomnia
  • Anxiety
  • Bloating
  • High blood pressure
  • Inability to go up stairs or exert myself

Each one of these symptoms has slowly started to improve. Getting sleep, especially, is a big one. I purchased a big dark curtain for my room so that I could have it be darker. There appears to be a rhythm to sleep and keeping it dark seems to aid in the sleep process.

I’ve been following several natural, holistic doctor’s and following their advice. It’s interesting because these doctor’s talk about how if you live a fully clean and natural lifestyle, make sure your body is functioning properly, that things like even cancer can be cured.

I’m not sure what I believe at this point, but I do see that putting healing foods in my body and practicing healthy habits like meditation, prayer, gratitude, journaling, getting sun daily, and exercise are all helping in my recovery.

I’m not sure where this health road will lead me, but I’m happy with the progress that’s been happening so far. I figure if I eat 100% clean, organic, exercise, keep my mind right, get all the nutrients and sun I need, that if I still don’t get better, I can accept that. I have a feeling that I will get better though :)

To get healthy, take charge of your life, food, health, and well being. Don’t look for someone to do it for you. You must be your own advocate and participate in your own rescue. Looking forward to the continuing weeks as I heal.